Monday, July 25, 2005

Bloggers... A Class of Their Own

Blogroll Me!

"Class, I'm TorontoPearl, and today I will be your substitute teacher."

Boos and hisses, grumbles and mumbles can be heard.

"Where's the regular teacher? Why is she missing? Did she give you a hint as to what she's up to?" calls out Rochelle Krich.

"Oh, Miss Manners is off on a holiday from blogging for this afternoon."

"Does this mean we have to listen to you?" blurts out Jackbenimble.

"Oh, Jack, be quiet!" says Stacey. "Stop behaving like the monkey you are."

"Who's talking, Shmatta Queen, ex-Clevelander? Why should I be quiet -- U2 have to be quiet!"

"Class, class. I don't have very long to teach you this lesson, so please pay attention. Pick up your notepads and start writing this stuff down."

"Can I use my Treo?" asks Doctor Bean.

And ball-and-chain, his best friend, is sitting beside him in some fabulous red leather chair that she brought from home. "I'll let Doctor Bean take notes for me," she announces.

"And I think I'll use my new pen with its vibrating tip," adds Psycho Toddler.

"Hey, guys, just listen to the nice teacher. You all sound like a bunch of noisy bees in their hives," says Treppenwitz.

"Okay, thank you --"

"Psst, Robert! Can you keep a secret?" whispers Karen in the back row.

(Robert looks over his shoulder.) "Y-yeah, I-I can," he stutters anxiously.

"I think you love me," announces Karen.

"I love you!?" blurts out Robert, suddenly realizing that everyone has heard. He feels a headache coming on.

The class breaks out in songsong: "Robert loves Karen...and he's gonna marry her... Robert and Karen, sitting in a tree, talking about movies, and the Lincoln Square shul, he's gonna marry her when they're well out of school!"

"Silence, class. As I said, I'm not here for a long time, so please show some respect. Be polite. And save your comments for after class. Now, I'd like someone to name me some tips that you need to know about being a blogger."

A young man raises his hand.

"Yes, A Simple Jew?"

He speaks quietly but firmly. "One should use fewer words to have the most impact. One should speak from the heart, and if necessary and available, use citations."

"Very good. Now that young man, over there... Neil. Please answer the same question."

"One should certainly consider his or her audience. Pretend you're a teacher relating to students or a rabbi relating to his congregants. A few jokes can't hurt, either, nor can some references to classic TV shows and books."

"And you, Mr. Rubin. Put down that CD of Matisyahu; now is not music class. So what do you offer the class?"

"Um, LIFE is what you make it."

"I'll drink to that!" pipes up Air Time. "L'chaim! Hey, if we're drinking, maybe we should be eating too. How about some barbecued kishka and steaks?"

OrthoMom, Still Wonderin' and Just Passing Through start talking amongst themselves in the corner of the classroom.

"You three are being very rude. Avoid inside jokes -- you're alienating the rest of the class. Now, Mirty...where's sweet Mirty?"

"She went to Israel," advises Stacey. "We're gonna miss her for a couple of weeks, aren't we, guys?"

"Ye...s....s..." is heard in unison.

"Does anyone else have a comment to make about today's topic of discussion?"

"Do you people like outspokeness? I like outspokeness...I like honesty...I like to rant about my parents and the people around me. I'm very tongue-in-cheek, but I think people like that, too," offers up Yettabettaboo.

"Very, very good, class. I like what you had to say. Now we will have a very quick spelling lesson, so please take notes:

"Your does NOT MEAN you are. Your is the possessive form of something belonging to you. YOU'RE means you are. Get that straight.

"Its is the possessive form of something belonging to it. IT'S means it is.

"But I think the bell just rang, so I have to stop here for now. I didn't get to ask everyone their thoughts on blogging today-- sorry, Ink As Rain, Ralphie, and as well, there were a few students, such as Sara, missing from this session. No doubt Five Years Later we'll see a new stream of students interested in blogging. And if we're lucky, perhaps RenReb will be a guest speaker at the next class. Class dismissed...!"


cruisin-mom said...

Pearl...that is so are such a creative writer. I always enjoy reading your posts.

torontopearl said...

thanks.(i also need magazines/newspapers to tell me that and buy up what i write!)

wow, you're fast, randi! i just posted it -- do you have closed-circuit tv or something?

get yourself a blog and you'll be in the next edition of the blogging class! :)

rabbi neil fleischmann said...

Very Clever. I'd be pretty scared of this class.

M said...

No worries, Pearl! Laughter has no price :)

Jack Steiner said...

Not bad, except my MO is usually to get others to create the chaos. Or maybe you did get that across with the Shmata queen reference.

A Simple Jew said...

Nicely done, Pearl.

Air Time said...

Very cute. And just so you know, the burgers and steaks came out perfectly last night. Grilled on a low flame, the cooked through completely without drying out or getting charred on the outside. An excellent BBQ experience.

torontopearl said...

Thanks for the comments/compliments.

Now, as I said earlier, "Class dismissed!"

Anonymous said...

Very clever, Pearl. :-)

When is the final?

Anonymous said...

Very, very clever and funny :-)

ifyouwillit... said...

A lovely post - I found it via Life of Rubin. You write very well!

I was wondering if you would be willing to add me to your blogroll, I will of course do the same.


torontopearl said...

In homage to the great Donald
Connor (right, Randi and Robert?)
I'll quote these lyrics to "Make 'Em Laugh":

"...Make 'em laugh. Make 'em laugh.
Don't you know everyone wants to laugh?
My grandpa said, "Go out and tell 'em a joke,
But give it plenty of hoke."
Make 'em roar. Make 'em scream.
Take a fall, butt a wall, split a seam.
You start off by pretending you're a dancer with grace.
You wiggle 'till they're gigglin' all over the place.
And then you get a great big custard pie in the face.
Make 'em laugh. Make 'em laugh. Make 'em laugh. "

Glad you people could share a laugh, or a grin or a smirk.

torontopearl said...


He was even greater as Donald O'Connor.

smb said...

cute story

Anshel's Wife said...

I loved it. Did that just come out of the blue for you?

torontopearl said...


Let me explain to you and the others of how my offbeat, creative mind works.

I get hit with an inspiration and wherever I am, I have to write some notes to myself -- whether in the car, at work, at a restaurant, etc. Yesterday, I suddenly got hit with an image of a classroom full of the bloggers whose blogs I've been visiting for quite a while. Each blogger has attributes that draw me to read their words. I tried to convey some of their personalities/interesting ideas through my words.

I was still at work when the creative muse hit me, so I started writing brief notes on chits of paper. When I got home, I typed them out and made a couple changes/additions.

So yes, it came out of the blue for me. I usually just start typing and don't pre-plan or do much revising to my posts. (except for sometimes correcting spelling or transposing a sentence or two)

Thank you, also, to the new "voyeurs" I acquired with this post, and thanks to Life-of-Rubin's mention on his blog.

ifuncused said...

Very cute. I "know" some of the bloggers you mentioned..and I see their personality...
Good Luck with your work...Impressive.

Stacey said...

This was so funny, Pearl. And you even included Jack being a monkey. I am impressed!!

Doctor Bean said...

Huh? Wha? Where ah...?

Oh, drat! I fell asleep again.

Kick me when I do that. Did I drool on my hand?

Anonymous said...

I seem to have skipped class that day... glad to see someone signed the attendance sheet for me! :-) Cute post!

Just Passing Through said...

Thanks for the mention Pearlie. I think :-)

AS said...

That's one long post there. I missed this class I see. No matter I was always a slacker to some degree.

orthomom said...

LOL! I'm sorry if I'm really so rude! I guess I haven't progressed as much as I'd hoped since high school...

Anonymous said...

I'm really sorry I missed class. But I was torn between three bloghomerooms and didn't know where to go.

This is very clever, BTW.