Tuesday, August 15, 2006

It Takes Time

When I was in my teens, for some reason I always pictured myself marrying not so young, but "older", perhaps at age 27. But there was nothing and nobody on the horizon for me at age 27.

My father kept gently reminding me, "You need mazel [luck]. We all need mazel."

Well, I got married a few months after I turned 32. I was no longer "older," as I thought I'd be when I married... I was -- plain and simple -- old!

But thank G-d children came soon enough and I was an older mom with young children...presumably to keep me young!

I am nearing my 45th birthday. And as I look back on the dating -- relatively little -- I did before I snagged the right one for me -- I realize that marrying at 32 wasn't really old. Okay, so my two closest friends already had one or two children and had been married for several years, but I always say that G-d saved the best for last and I also loved to spout, "Good things come to those who wait."

I waited...and I was blessed -- with a wonderful spouse, who is also a magnificent father to our children...and just a really nice person.

Some people I hung out with in my later single years have not even yet married...and they're now in their late 40's and early 50's. And some of those people who married 5 and 7 years before me, or even 2 and 3 years after me are now undergoing divorces or already have received a "get".

It may have taken me time to find the right person for me; it took them time to find out that the person they thought was the "right person," was indeed the "wrong person."

I think I ought to amend my post title from It Takes Time to It Takes Time...and MAZEL!

(This post was inspired by a beautiful story I just finished reading on www.aish.com.)


Ezzie said...

(The link is a bit messed up to Aish.)

Beautiful post... but wait - you're not 37!? ;)

torontopearl said...

Ezzie: thanks for pointing out the error of my ways! I corrected the link.

How many times do I have to tell you, Ezzie? I'm 37...and then some!

Mia said...

I definitely agree with you, especially since I got married with 31 :). But it does need a lot of Mazel. When I look at my single friens (who I always thought were much better looking, better educated, funnier etc.) I don´t see anything "wrong" with them and why they shouldn´t be married. So, I think it may take time to find your beshert, but also a lot of Mazel.

Another thought that I had on this topic recently was, that I never wanted to get married late, it just so happend. And I am convinced that had I met Daniel when I was in my early twenties I would also have married him. I didn´t wait ´cause I wanted to do other stuff before getting married (living abroad, study, work, date, travel) I just didn´t meet him earlier!

Elie said...

What lovely stories - yours and the Aish one you linked. Though I was one of the early-birds (our 21 anniversary is next week!), I resonate very deeply with those that waited a bit longer, and then found their "bashertim". I am pondering whether the later marriages don't often make up for lost time by starting at a later point in the relationship, so to speak. I.e., they avoid some of the tumult that most younger couples need to go through as they "get used to eachother" and their relationships (and individual selves!) mature.

As long as there is joy, love, and respect in the end, that's what counts - not how long it took to get there!

Jeremayakovka said...

Sounds like you didn't settle, Pearl. Smart. Happy stories like this need to be told more often! For happy families are not all alike. :-)

Neil said...

The religious community tends to marry earlier, but getting married in your thirties seems to be the norm nowadays. And what does it matter -- as long as you find the right person to be with?

cruisin-mom said...

I married at 29 and would do it over...best to wait til anytime after 28..you grow and change so much through your 20's, that chances are more in your favor. (Unless you are Ezzie and Serach, who are unusual but strong, and wonderful, and mature beyond their years...and will with NO DOUBT have a long, sweet marriage).
Pearl, this is a beautiful post...beatiful topic and written with such heart...thanks :)

torontopearl said...

Mia: I'm so glad you found your beshert...and he found you. Love is truly ageless.

Elie: Sometimes I wish I'd have been married earlier, had kids earlier and been a bit ahead already. But as is often said, "WHAT"S THE RUSH?"
Your second paragraph states it best.

Jeremiah: I don't think I could've ever "settled" -- regardless of my age. I just think my "shopping list" was getting somewhat modified over the years. Truth is, I never truly "connected" with anyone, the way I do with my husband. Knowing that, I and he knew we were good together and meant for each other.

Neil: The Orthodox community does tend to marry young, some younger than others. If it's a matchmaking environment, the older the boy or girl are, the harder it is sometimes to match them with others.
I thank G-d that my idea of the "right person" for me was easily embraced by everyone who knew me, who knew my husband -- people saw as a perfect match.

CM: Thanks, as usual, for your nice and ego=boosting comment. I was so happy to read that aish.com story, and I'm always so happy when people find the person they think they want to spend the rest of their life with. And if there's a story attached to that meeting, even better.

David_on_the_Lake said...

what a beautiful post and attitude.

I guuess thats why we say "in the right time"
Perhaps there is a "right time" for every person..

Wishing I was a said...

I had a similar picture in my mind of my future when I was young! I thought I'd be married at 25, and have $25,000 in the bank (of my own) and having children by 28! Oy, did that turn out not to be true! It took me until I was 28 to meet my Mr. Wonderful, and I was 31 before we had our first child! Which I had to be convinced by my mother's best friend was safe to do, because we were living in Japan at the time he was born!

Anyway, I too feel blessed, and am glad I waited for Mr. Right, and received my mazel!

rabbi neil fleischmann said...

very well done and beautifully put. may you continue to be blessed.

torontopearl said...

David: Thank you for the compliment. Everyone runs on a different clock--some are stopwatches, others are slow-moving with second hands, others are cuckoo clocks--and the best time for YOU is usually the RIGHT time for you.

Wishing: Welcome...glad you found me. Now I also have a new blogger to get to know!
And I'm glad you found your mazel and blessings in your husband and child(ren).

Neil: Thank you for the bracha. I can only hope for the same for you.

To everyone: I am so happy that this post resonates strongly with each of you.
As writers, we're told to write about what we know. THIS is what I know: I made an assumption about my life, my life had a mind of its own, it all worked out in the end and I'm very happy!

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for those inspiring words :)

Wendy said...

I can really relate to this post! I married at 25 - had a 'get' by 28. I had made a really bad decision - probably due, in part, to my feeling I was ready to be married. When I married my current (and forever) husband at 32, it was a whole new world. We had kids right away and are so happy 13 years later!

torontopearl said...

Anonymous: Thank YOU for the compliment.

Wendy: Re. "a whole new world"-- that was actually to be our song of choice for the first dance at our wedding; marriage, even at 32, marriage and all it entails is a whole new world.

And it will also be 3 children later, and 13 years for us this December.