Sunday, July 15, 2007

Life Continues...

I guess it's time to give an update for those readers who, like me, worry...and more importantly, care.

Of course I could've written in here during the week but I did not want to read my words after; I couldn't truly convey what I was feeling, what I was hearing, what I was seeing and what I was knowing. Capturing those feelings, thoughts, sights and sounds truly hurts.

We got through our family "simcha" last weekend, but the absence of my father was heavily felt by all -- friends and family from near and far who attended the bar mitzvah or who couldn't attend but heard the news; even my brother's rabbi, who has met my father many times over the years, felt heart-heavy that he wasn't there but was lying in a hospital bed.

When I saw my father in hospital throughout the week, he was a changed man. In May, with his hospitalization, he bounced back rather quickly. This time, it wasn't evident. Confusion reigned and the comments that followed clearly showed that; when in bed, he tried to get out all the time. A night sitter was assigned to him, but it did not greatly appease the situation. My mother got phone calls at 1 a.m. and later on a few nights saying that my father was anxious and yelling and disturbing other patients.

When I saw him in the day, he was angry and upset and even delusional, accusing my mother of things, suddenly seemingly being "out of love" with her. He wanted to die, he couldn't take it anymore...the horrible comments went on and on. And there were tears -- from him. From this stoic survivor who has endured so many difficult situations and come through them over and over and over. But to look at him and listen to him this time, I could not think that he could endure yet again.

Was it the meds taking over him, was it the trauma of another seizure taking over him, was it a fall he had on Thursday taking over him? Would this be a permanent state of mind and of body?

When social workers spoke to my mother and I and asked how he'd been before coming in to the hospital last week, and we said he was almost 100%, it was hard to believe the change/the downfall that we were witnessing.

But to bring my father home was the aim.

And we were able to bring him home on Friday afternoon. When I went to see him before Shabbos, he was tired, oh so tired. Tired of his suffering, tired of his pain...perhaps tired of life? It was so difficult for me to get through Shabbos not knowing what was going on in their home; I was continually afraid I'd receive a phone call on Friday night or Saturday. But thank G-d things were not so so bad. Yes, he was tired; yes, he was weak...but once again, he tried to follow his little routines. Perhaps too much, too soon...but he tried. And for that we're grateful.

I don't know what the immediate or distant future holds for my family -- but as my father always says, "One day at a time."

If you can, please continue to daven for a refuah shlema for Yaakov Arieh ben Chaya Malka.

11 comments:

RaggedyMom said...

A refuah sheleima to your father and hatzlacha to all of you.

Sharon from NY said...

I've e-mailed you, Pearl. My Mom is having life-threatening medical issues now. It's so hard on all of us, but then if we didn't love our parents it wouldn't be so difficult! Take care of yourself and may your Dad have a complete refuah.

Miriam L said...

{{{Pearl}}}} Glad you were able to bring your father home so he can heal with family around. It's a tough time.

orieyenta said...

Hopefully being home and in familiar surroundings will bring back more of the "Dad" you know.

You are in our thoughts and prayers and we continue to daven for your Dad.

(hugs to you)

Val said...

I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Elie said...

This is so very familiar from my own dad's illness. Please always remember that anything out-of-character, anything hurtful and negative, is the illness talking, not your beloved father. May his coming home herald a full recovery back to his old self and ways.

torontopearl said...

Thank you, all, for your good wishes. I'd like to think that I will be able to tell you he's making progress and improving...
G-d willing.

Jewish Smörgåsbord said...

Pearl, refuah shelema to your father. I am having tears in my eyes when reading this. I hope he will be in better health very soon. Lots of Koach to your mom and your family. Thinking of you and keeping your father in my prayers - M.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Just came back to see if you had updated and I missed this yesterday...I know this has to be so very fifficult for you my dear Pearl, and understandably so...For your whole family...Very painful.
I have seen when many people get into a state like this, they become like little childre...(which we all really are, underneath that outside armor that we must wear to get through...) They become so very vulnerable---more so than anyone has ever seen...And I feel for him in his tiredness and in his vulnerability...I pray he will rally once again, expecially being at home...
Thanks so much Pearl,for letting us know what has been happening.

Razovsky said...

Hi there, Pearly --

Sorry to hear what your dad is going through, and the tough times your family has been facing lately. It sounds like you're all acting with love and compassion and determination and hope. A wonderful family you've got.

Take care of each other,

xo Stuart

ByJane said...

I had the exact same experience with my dad, and it turned out to be the drugs. It's horrible horrible horrible when you're in the middle of it. Hope everything is going better now.