Tuesday, February 21, 2006

"I Say a Little Prayer for You..."

Blogroll Me!

How many times can a person say "I'm sorry"? Not apologizing to someone because you've done them wrong, but rather because they're in dire straits for whatever reason.

"I'm sorry....that you're not well...that you lost your job... that you can't afford a vacation...that you parent is sick...that your child is ill...that your parent/child/sibling passed away...that you've been having rotten 'mazel' (luck) lately..."

Yes, the list goes on and on, and if you're like me, you always have a need to say "I'm sorry that..." to someone or other.

Sometimes we don't say it; we just think it. But I understand from experience that even though the person you're addressing might be saddened or frustrated or upset to hear that "I'm sorry" from so many people, in truth they are thankful. You are thinking of them, you are displaying your concern, and you are opening yourself to them.

There is a case in which we don't say "I'm sorry" often enough, even though we might just think it. Infertility.

I have family and friends who continue to go through the anguish and personal pain of not being able to bear children so readily...or at all. It is not a topic I probe with these people, but if they feel like discussing the heartache and disappointments, I'm certainly there to listen and lend a sympathetic ear. I am a mother of, thank G-d, three beautiful and healthy children. Pregnancy was not really ever an issue for me, and certainly childbirth was not, either. But for others, these two aspects of a life cycle are foreign...and for that, "I'm sorry."

Please take a look at his posting from one of my blogging friends. The name of her blog, Ten Li Koach/"Give Me Strength," is self-explanatory to her blog's focus. What I have learned from reading her blog for over half a year is that life's simple pleasures cannot take away all the pain of not having a child, or of having to go through fertility treatments with all its ups and downs, highs and lows. As much as an infertile couple attempt to smile through their tears, the tears are always with them.

It's time of us as sympathetic and empathetic men and women to lend them an ear, a shoulder to lean on, and the wise words, "I'm sorry."

little lamb lost in the woods...

I feel a bit lost lately.

There are so many things that I want.

I want a baby.

I want a child that I can say, this is mine. This is my daughter or my son. My wonderful husband & I are still in the pre-parenting world. I don’t know what your world is like, the world of people who worry about tuition, doctor visits, homework, soccer tryouts (or in our case, would be little league or karate!), sleepovers, and assorted other worries/concerns.

I am scared that I will never know this.

I want to be able to give all of my love to a child, not a few hours of admiration from afar when we have guests with kids.

I have to keep my distance.

It’s so frustrating. I know that parenting is not a piece of cake. But I want my slice. I am scared of it, but still yearning for it.

Please G-d, what will be?

I’m tired of having hobbies, distractions, depressions.

I fear the answer will be no.


TenLiKoach said...

Thank you so much for your kind post - it was most unexpected. I hope that if anyone who is going through this same situation as me (especially in the Jewish community) will realize that there are resources out there to deal with this pain. They are definately not alone!

Have a most wonderful day :)

TLK :)

cruisin-mom said...

Pearl, how kind of you to be so sensitive to TLK.
TLK, how brave of you to share what you are going through. I hope you find your way to contentment, whatever that may be for you.

Ayelet said...

It truly is a challenge to know what to say especially when the infertile couple is not very open about their disappointment even though it is quite palpable. I think it is most critical to include them in your life. I fear the sense of isolation these women (and men - although I don't know so much about that end) are sometimes subjected to is terribly painful. Thank you for your beautiful post and have much nachas from your children!

torontopearl said...

Ten Li Koach, I thank YOU for being bold enough to share your story within your blog, for making people aware of the physical, emotional and mental plight you and your husband have been undergoing and continue to undergo. I do continue to wish you both much "koach" (strength) to realize your dreams "b'zman karov u'b'zman tov" ( in a near hour and in a good hour).

CM-- It's not a kindness that I want to demonstrate with this post; it's an awareness I'm hoping to capture for others.

Ayelet -- Thank you for the compliment and bracha. And yes, men greatly figure into the equation, as well. It's most trying circumstances on both husband and wife.

(Ezzie, out there in blogland -- Thank you for highlighting this post in your own fine blog, and bringing more readers to it, even if not all comment. At least they'll think about my words and those of TLK.)

TenLiKoach said...

Ayelet & Crusin-Mom,
Thanks for your kind words :)

Ayelet, it's funny that you mention about not knowing what to say to people going through this situation. I should post on my blog a Top Ten List of ridiculous question/comments that my husband & I have received from very well meaning and very nosy people regarding our situation. Some are funny and some deserve a punch in the nose. It won't be hard for me to think of a few :)

Thank you all so much for your very sweet words and I hope to see you in blogland again soon :)

I wish you all Brachot and only happy times!

all the best,
TLK :)