Thursday, July 13, 2006

Sweet Home Alabama

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I noticed in my stats that someone linked to Pearlies of Wisdom from Hatchechubbee, Alabama. Is that, in fact, a real place?

They didn't seek me out intentionally; they were Googling "sexy hoarse voice".

Try saying "I come from Hatchechubbee, Alabama," in a sexy hoarse voice. But first one has to know how to pronounce that town name!


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Bet you think my title was a typo, that somehow I strung the words together by mistake. Nuh-uh. That was written in one breath, so imagine it being said in one breath.

I was just in our en-suite "library" reading one of those free health magazines you pick up when you're hurrying through the mall, and passing a health-food store. "Healthy Directions" -- hmm, let me pick this up and see where it leads me...

This magazine is filled with more ads than articles, most of which deal with topics that have absolutely no connection to my life. Anyhow, one of these ads stood out for me, because of the accompanying photo. (see above)

What the heck is that!? I couldn't help but wonder. And I read on:

"A face-lift without surgery.

The chinmusclestonifier (edit. note: there's that "said-in-all-one-breath" word again!) prevents or eliminates a double chin, tone neck and jaw muscles, soften the appearance of wrinkles and increase blood circulation and oxygen flow to give your skin a healthier glow.

Tone & strengthen chin and facial muscles with just 3 minutes of exercise each day!"

So I have a few issues with this products AND the copywriter...

1) Where did the copywriter learn English, and learn to write in English? As it reads now, this product prevents/eliminates a double chin, a tone neck and jaw muscles! Go back to school, person. Write right! It s/b "tones", "softens", "increases".

Phew, now that I got that editorial critique out of the way, I can move on to my next complaints:

2) As for using this product for just 3 minutes a day of exercise, and getting results? I'd rather work my jaw, talking for 3 minutes to friends about this ridiculous-looking product. Guess what? I'd be laughing hysterically, as well. Guess what? My stomach muscles would then have a 3-minute workout too. Guess what? My face and tummy would both benefit from my type of exercise.

3) Is this something I should be wearing in public? "Honey, I'm gonna run to the supermarket for some milk. Ya think I should wear my chinmusclestonifier at Sobey's? You know what -- actually I'll go to No Frills. There I'm more likely to see some neighborhood ladies and men wearing them."

4) Who designed this monstrosity? Someone who was fired from the costume department at MGM? Or rather, from the props department at Universal Studios?

"Hmmm...let me see what I can make with these plastic-and-rubber fat suits I stole from my department just after they showed me the door."

I was on the company's website and read this little summary:

The Main Benefits of the Chin Muscles Tonifier (Edit. note: they can't even get their OWN trademark straight; here it's three words!)

The Chin Muscles Tonifier is a revolutionary and very effective device for face lifting without surgery. With just 3 minutes of exercises a day it:

*prevents or eliminates a double chin and droopy jowls
*tones up the muscles of the chin, jaw, neck and face
*firms up the face and slows down the apparition of wrinkles
*softens the appearance of wrinkles and the puffiness of the face
*increases blood circulation and oxygen flow to facial muscles and skin
*improves facial skin elasticity and appearance, and
*makes you look and feel more relaxed

So 5) Can you truly imagine looking and feeling more relaxed...especially while wearing this contraption?

"Is anyone looking at me now? Can I cross the room without anyone staring? My face feels tight...I feel tense...I think I'm starting to hyperventilate. HONEY, GET A PAPER BAG!"

I think I should stop now, 'cause in truth I have more I could write about his product, and who knows how far that could get me. But I truly would like to know "Who has bought this trademarked THING? Did it in fact help them...or just help fill the company's coffers?"

So, a face-lift without surgery... What's next? A nose job without surgery?

"Buy this new product of ours: The NOSECRACKER! Brilliantly designed by a team of "nose it alls" the NOSECRACKER does the job -- without surgery. Just wrap it around your nose, give a few cracks, a twist...and voila! You've got yourself a new nose.

Don't put your nose to the grindstone...put it to the NOSECRACKER!"

Today's products have been brought to you by the Cynical Corporation...