Thursday, July 31, 2008

Your Evening Smile*

Tired and Thirsty

The Italian says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine.
The Scot says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have scotch.
The Swede says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit.
The Russian says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.
The German says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer.
The Greek says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo.
The Jew says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.

*Although diabetes is now present in my family -- and perhaps in yours -- I still love this joke, and hope that nobody is offended by it.

Sorry, Jamie Lynn Spears...

...I neglected to wish you a mazel tov on your baby daughter, born last month.

The bottom line is that I hadn't known you'd already given birth. Somehow that news item had escaped me.

But today, while reading that you and Mr. Fiance were planning a September "small, backyard wedding," ( in three acres) and that you were already down to pre-pregnancy weight, i thought, "Hey, something's not right here. I've been left out of the loop."

So I sought out a birth announcement...and found it in the fact that you sold exclusive "1st baby photo rights" of Maddie to OK! magazine.
Good for you...getting some large lump sum ought to cover the salary you had to forego as Zoey in Zoey 101. After all, you -- nice, little role model to tweener girls -- had gotten knocked up at age 16 (okay, so in April you turned 17) and the show got cancelled after its third season.
And it's so nice you met your man in church; how Christian of you.
Well, happy baby & happy marriage, Jamie. Hope it's everything you ever dreamed of...while you were a little girl and looking up to big sister/role model Britney.
By the way, why didn't you name your daughter Zoey? Just askin'....

Your Morning Smile

Rebecca & Jacob

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Good! We'd like to use this store as our bridal registry."