Tuesday, January 03, 2006

FOURplay


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Thank you, Air Time, 4 tagging me 4 the "4 Meme"!

So without further delay, let's go 4ward and see
what I can come up with.

And just 4 the record, I'm 44!

Four jobs I've had in my life: Copy editor; proofreader; administrative assistant in a Jewish day school; drama/music specialist (summer camp).

Four movies I could watch over and over: Fiddler on the Roof; any and all Marx Bros. films; any and all Three Stooges films; Mary Poppins

Four places I've lived - Toronto; Israel 4 six months; Toronto; Toronto

Four TV Shows I love to watch - I really don't watch TV anymore, (not for religious reasons, but for blogging reasons!) but I used to love to watch: Will & Grace; Seinfeld; Whose Line Is It Anyway?; The Price Is Right

Four places I've been on vacation - Switzerland; Israel; Florida; Mexico

Four websites I visit daily - Seraphic Secret; Cruisin-mom; A Simple Jew; Citizen of the Month

Four of my favorite foods - pasta; feta cheese; Caesar salad; pineapple

Four places I'd rather be - sitting in front of a roaring fire in a cottage in the woods; sitting on the dock of a bay with my feet dangling in the cool lake water; visiting a zoo; hanging out with my husband and kids at a neighborhood park

Four books I'll read over and over again - Night by Elie Wiesel; The Book of Ariel; I Love You, StinkyFace; my journals

This is as far as the original meme went, but I'm inclined to add a few categories.

Four things I'm fairly good at doing - writing; singing; being a friend; seeing both sides

Four things that I could improve on - patience; organizational skills; knowledge of politics and current events; time I devote to sleeping

Four songs that have some significance for me - "A Whole New World" (theme song from "Aladdin"); "It Had To Be You"; "Hello Dolly"; "Maoz Tsur"

Four people I will tag with this meme (if they want to do it -- no pressure) - Randi; Rabbi Neil Fleischmann; MCAryeh; Elie

Monday, January 02, 2006

The Shrill of the Moment


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Call me placid, call me a peacekeeper, call me a true Libran who likes balance and harmony. As I've mentioned before, I do not like to make waves, I do not like to be argumentative or confrontational. I like to discuss, but sometimes discussions just go by the wayside and I REACT instead.

From the time our children are about two and a half, we continually tell them, "Use your words." That is another way of saying, "Don't hit/pinch/shove/pull/slap." or "Don't whine/stomp your feet/have a major meltdown."

Well, I haven't been two and a half for many many years, so you'd think that I'd have learned something by now. But ever so often, I just LOSE IT! Today was one of those days. I REACTED.

Frustration and fear were the key behind my unbelievable, award-winning performance. Unfortunately, my children were the other players in this scene. Why was I frustrated and fearful you might ask? My husband had left this a.m., forgetting his cell phone (I didn't realize this for at least 2 hours), people were trying to reach him at the place where he was supposed to be and he wasn't picking up his cell and he wasn't where he was supposed to be. Had he gotten in an accident? Had he made a stop somewhere and been held up at knifepoint? Had we just spent our last Chanukah together? My mind was running off countless horrible possibilities as to what might have happened to him, and I wondered how long do I wait until I have to report a missing person. I was extremely agitated, especially since I didn't understand why he wasn't at least answering his cell phone. I was the worrier, as was his mother, which is the place he was supposed to be.

At some point, my kids and a friend of theirs were just getting antsy and my youngest REACTED to my middle child, had hurt her and she was bawling. Unfortunately, I just thought it was my oldest who'd made my daughter cry and I just started shrieking and shrilling at him. I clearly lost it at that moment and I could hear myself, my tone, my volume of voice. I knew that my emotions of fear and worry for my husband had just spilled out onto this juvenile audience. I was deeply ashamed, and sat my children down and their friend and soulfully apologized and explained about REACTING, rather than simply verbalizing.

When my husband finally called two hours after he'd left the house, I tried to curb my REACTING mode and made sure to ask if he was okay and if anything had happened. No, he'd simply erred when he realized he didn't have his phone with him, he'd made a stop and didn't realize how long it would take and he admitted he should have stopped at a pay phone to call both his mother and me. Of course he apologized profusely for putting me through unnecessary worry and envisioning of worst-case scenarios.

It truly took me several hours to have relief and calm ebb through my body. I had been so wound up with that tension, and I was so upset with myself for having displayed such despicable behavior towards my children, and truthfully, I was a touch scared that I had the capacity to react in such a manner.

And let me tell you...the shrill of the moment was certainly not a thrill of the moment.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Touched by an Angel

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I had a knock on the door this afternoon. I answered it, expecting the person on the other side of the door would be a friend who was coming to reclaim a scarf left behind last night after our Chanukah/New Year's gathering.

It was not that friend. It was a teacher from my children's school--a former teacher and well-liked one of my older two children--coming to return two books I'd lent her a few months ago.

I am generally leery to lend out favorite books, especially because I've sometimes had them returned to me not in the same condition as they were given out; sometimes they haven't been returned even. But I made a conscious decision to break my own rule and pass along these books. I knew that this teacher was an avid reader; I knew that she had an appreciation for fine writing; and I knew that perhaps she could learn something from these books to share with her students.

I had lent her my personalized copy of THE HEBREW KID AND THE APACHE MAIDEN, as well as THE BOOK OF ARIEL. Over the few months that the teacher had these copies in her possession, at times I'd wanted to reach for them on a Shabbat afternoon and peruse through them -- and they weren't in my armoire. Other times I'd talk to guests about how I came to blog, what blogs I read, the friends I'd made, the resulting trip I'd taken to L.A. in June -- and wanted to show these books to the friends. Then I remembered I didn't have them in my possession currently.

So to say I was relieved to answer the door and find the teacher, reaching out to give back my books is the truth. But I was more than relieved when I asked her if she'd gotten through the two of them and she answered something like, "Oh, yes. They were both so wonderful.... Did you listen to the CD? I kept playing the CD (A SONG FOR ARIEL) over and over and over while reading the pages of THE BOOK OF ARIEL and tears would run down my cheeks. So moved was I... An incredible book, an incredible person..."

Dare I repeat what I and countless others have said over time: a person does not have to have known Ariel Chaim Avrech personally to claim, "I've been touched by an angel."

The Best Is Yet To Come


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So many bloggers review their posts from days gone by, sometimes shtupping them in our faces to remind us -- of what...? To read them? To convince us they're worthy of being reread and remembered? To comment on them now 'cause we didn't do so the first time around?

In spite of sometimes being in a snarky mood after I read a post that has an "in-your-face" reminder attitude, I thought I might do a recap for you of what I thought were some of my best posts from the past year. I was going to peruse my posts month by month and pick just one that meant something special to me...for a total of twelve posts.

And then I thought "NO!"

"Why not?" you might ask.

"'Cause I believe the best is yet to come...and it'll only need me once to tell you to read it. It'll be your choice to read it again and again, and seek it out again months later on your own."

(one can always hope, can't they...?)

And Now...for a Look Back at 2005


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...and that's the way it was -- for 2005.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, December 30, 2005

A Blessing on Her Head (Mazel Tov, Mazel Tov...)


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(A twist on the more-famous version from Fiddler on the Roof)

"A blessing on her head
(mazel tov, mazel tov)
My friend's daughter is to be wed
(mazel tov, mazel tov)
She just got herself engaged
Among friends that's all the rage
To become a Mr. and Mrs.

"The chattan's really nice
(mazel tov, mazel tov)
So the kallah's parents don't think twice
(mazel tov, mazel tov)
They're pleased she'll be his wife
And together they'll start a life
As Mr. and Mrs.

"The kallah's really sweet
(mazel tov, mazel tov)
As a daughter-in-law she'll be a treat
(mazel tov, mazel tov)
It's very clear to see
These two are meant to be
As Mr. and Mrs.

"The chupah's fairly soon
(mazel tov, mazel tov)
Followed by a honeymoon...
(mazel tov, mazel tov)
Just simchas should abound
When happiness is found
As Mr. and Mrs."

*********************************

Mazel tov to both families. The wedding should be b'shaah tovah u'mutzlechet.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Bli Neder*

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* Without a vow. (Hebrew)

This is what people say when they make promises: "I will cut back on my blogging and will be more conscious of using my free time more wisely...bli neder." This is telling you that I will try my utmost (should no conflicting circumstances arise) to mean what I say and fulfill my promise.

I don't like to make promises as a rule just because I'm afraid that sometimes I'll be thrown a curve ball, and incidents beyond my control will prevent me from following through on the promise. I don't like to be deemed a liar and I also hate to disappoint people.

So generally I say, "I'll try to..." or to my children I won't give a definite answer sometimes, but will respond with "We'll see" or "I hope we can..."

I did make a promise once to cousins that I would take them to the zoo. I never forgot that promise and it slowly ate away at me, feeding off my guilt. Okay, so it turned out that fulfilling that promise took about 10 years, but at least I honored my word!

Now, as I look back on 2005 and think about my resolutions that I put down on my computer screen for all the world to see, I think, "Damn, I should've added 'bli neder' to every resolution!"

Let's review:

First there were health club issues, ie. I'd joined one in the fall of 2004 and by New Year's had only gone less than a dozen times. My goal was to make it part of my daily regimen. I FAILED!!!

* Follow through with what I set forth in motion, ie. querying publishers about picture-book manuscripts or poetry that I have written, requesting they view my work. I have been given the green light from several, but have not taken that next step. I should. Did I do this? Nah... I never followed up with those publishers who gave me a green light, nor did I pursue any other publishers.

* Keep writing personal essays, poetry, children's books. I should not just list the titles and ideas I have for creative pieces, but should actually breathe live into these projects. Um, yes, I wrote a few poems. My personal essays are my daily posts. And the ideas for creative pieces are still scribbled on small snippets of paper and scattered here at home or at work amidst my other work.

* Make time for me. The only time "for me" I honored was my computer time...and there was a lot of that!

* Make more time for my husband and children...and parents and siblings and their families. I wish I could say that I did that, but I didn't really. I didn't make more time, nor did I have more free time coming to me. In fact, there was less time, what with this blogging obsession of mine.

* Enjoy each moment to the best of my ability because time is fleeting. Okay, I've done well enough with this, while sometimes I even had to pretend I was enjoying the moment!

* Continue to strive to be the best person that I can be. Still striving...

* Continue to look for the good in the people around me, even if it's not so obvious. Sometimes it's tough to see the good, but I look really closely for it nonetheless.

* Continue to be thankful to Hashem for all that I am, all that I have and all that I can be. And I definitely still am!

Here's what I've been thinking... This year, I will announce my resolutions by adding "bli neder," "We'll see" and "I hope"!

Resolution: So I hope, bli neder, to try and fulfill 2005's resolutions in 2006 -- but we'll just have to wait and see if that happens.
_______________________________

Do you have any resolutions, aside from the obvious ones, that you've made for the coming year?

Blogging 101: Revisited

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"Class...CLASS!!"

A hush falls over the room.

"Thank you. Now a new term has just started for this class, Blogging 101. As you look around the room, you'll see several new faces, several old faces, and some empty seats. Those empty seats are for students who will no doubt be joining us when they hear what a wonderful spirited group we have in this room, and there are some students who've left us to seek their interests elsewhere."

"Um, Ms. TorontoPearl...?" pipes up a gregarious young man.

"Yes...uh--" I look down at my clipboard and student names "-- Andy Hardy?"

"No, ma'am, it's not Andy Hardy. That's just how I originally registered when I signed up for this class. My name is simply Danny Miller. What I wanted to ask is if we ever get to see old movies in this course or take field trips to places like old theaters?"

"Why would we do that in a class like this?" I inquire pointedly at this pleasant-looking young man.

A beautiful, dark-haired girl with a slight accent pipes up. "'Cause it would make our learning more of an adventure! It's always fun to have an adventure, isn't it?"

A bespectacled male student points to the girl. "Yeah, Sophia's right! I can make an adventure out of almost anything -- all it takes is some imagination and an interested audience."

"And what is your name?"

"Neil Kramer. And I prefer to be called Neilochka, if you don't mind. All my girlfriends call me that, right, Sophia?"

At the back of the room there's suddenly a slight commotion. Desks are being shifted and whispering can be heard.

"Excuse me, boys. What do you think you're doing?"

"Um, we're trying to align our desks perfectly so that we can think better -- you know, be on the straight and narrow."

"And you boys are..."

"McAryeh," whispers one. "David," blurts out the other.

"Well, David, at least waste your time with something important!" I declare.

And then I hear crackling paper -- "Where is that sound coming from?" I inquire as I glance around the room. Off to the side is a trio of young women, unwrapping lollipops, and passing them around.

"Ladies...please stop that. We don't eat candy in the middle of class."

"Sorry, Ms. TorontoPearl," says one. "It's just that I have a tremendous sweet tooth, and I always need something sweet to chew on. My friends, Randi and Anne, brought me some goodies and we're sharing them. Sharing is good, isn't it?"

"And sharing helps unify people," says Anne. "I even share my ideas with people, like ideas about books and kids and --"

"And I share my humor with others. And I like to help people with problems. That's good, too!" announces Randi.

"Well, yes...sharing is good. And speaking of sharing... We have two new students who transfered from another school. They're feeling a little sad these days 'cause no doubt they feel as if they lost their best friend, and having to go into unfamiliar surroundings. Please warmly welcome Glen and Elie. Show them what goodness is all about." The two men shyly smile from the back left-hand corner of the room.

"Okay, class, I know it'll take me a while to get to learn who all of you are, and I hope I haven't forgotten to mention anything right now, but we'll soon be comfortable with one another and will have a great time in Blogging 101. Everyone ready to have a great time?"

"Yesssssssss!" is yelled out in unison.

"Good. Let's get this party started....!"

A Tisket, a Brisket...


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Tell me, how can you top this product on the right: a brisket yarmulke?

THE BRISKET YARMULKE - Made of 100% kosher brisket, this one-size-fits-all “beefy beanie” comes emblazoned with a horseradish Star of David.

And speaking of brisket...can anyone tell me why brisket recipes are associated with Chanukah on every holiday menu I look at? Personally, I think the High Holidays or Pesach is the time to serve brisket at a family meal.

Our Chanukah meals used to consist of latkes and more latkes with sour cream or applesauce, and salad -- very simple dairy or pareve meals. When, pray tell, did a "good brisket" enter into Chanukah's gourmet equation?!

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Two Wise Men Came A-Calling

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This post can also be titled Davka.

Last night, I 'd gone into our living room to draw open the curtains and set up a minimum of four chanukiyot to light (3 for each of the children; 1 for the adults). Although Chanukah had started on Sunday night, we had not yet been home to light our own candles, so everything was to be set up for the first time.

Just as I drew open the curtains, I saw two black-hatted men walk up our driveway to the front door. "Shlichim" I thought, "coming for donations!"

Now, I live in a Jewish neighborhood, but not a particular frum neighborhood, so we've only been "canvassed"for donations once so far in our two years plus of living here. We have friends who live closer to "the big shul" who are answering the door to donation seekers several times a month.

My husband was in the kitchen preparing latkes and dressed very casually, and I was left to open the door upon the knock. Davka, of all days, here I was wearing pants! Generally I wear skirts, but as I'd been home yesterday, I'd opted for pants. So I was self-conscious from the minute the knock came.

I opened the door to "Happy Chanukah" and replied "Chag Sameach". These 2 young teenage emissaries of Lubavitch were on the doorstep, asking if we'd already lit the candles, or if I needed any help in doing so. I told him that I was just about to set up several menorahs, one for each of my children.

My daughter shyly stood nearby, also dressed in her jeans yesterday while at home. One of the Lubavitchers pulled out a handful of dreidels from his pocket and offered my daughter one. Along came my youngest son--and he was davka dressed for the occasion, his tzitizit hanging out, his kippah on his head. The Lubavitchers must've wondered what kind of household this was--mother and daughter in jeans, son in kippah and tzitzit. Okay, so we're Modern.

I joked with the teens and asked if they wanted to light with us, and one asked if I needed help lighting. I quickly said no, that my husband was nearby and would soon be lighting with us. Had hubby made an appearance, I wonder what the teens would've thought: man in shorts and tank top -- very casual -- a baseball hat on his head, spatula for frying latkes in his hand.

We weren't actually ready to light just then, but in hindsight it might have been very nice had the Lubavitch teens stayed to light with us, and witness that although we might not have looked the part at that moment, we knew what we were doing, and we were doing it right... It would have been nice to open our "ohel" (tent) to Lubavitchers for a change, an act of role reversal.

I'm sort of hoping that these 2 young men might alight upon our front doorstep once more before the chag is over. They go around helping others perform the mitzvah of candle lighting; maybe next time we can fulfill the mitzvah of "hachnasat orchim" (welcoming of guests) ...and offer them some latkes and a mean game of dreidel!

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Sometimes I Wonder...

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Sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't just be better off using this blog of mine as a pure venting venue, as an exclusive room for ranting.

I've been at it for a year and in hindsight, I don't believe that I've made my blog a forum for shouting out about what bothers me, what turns me off, what injustices hide on every street corner. Yes, I've revealed my passively angry self a few times, but perhaps not often enough.

I haven't ranted nor raved too much; however, I've revealed plenty. Do you feel you know me any better now than you did just over a year ago when you stumbled across my blog name? Could you reiterate what makes me tick? Do you feel you know me so well that reading my posts is just like sitting across from me at a cybercafe table and sharing a tete-a-tete?

Sometimes I wonder if I've sometimes revealed too much, if perhaps when you meet me, you'll think you know everything there is to know about me...except perhaps my real name! Did my poetry say too much, or perhaps did my "All About Me" list from many moons ago set you on the path to knowing Pearl? Or maybe the memes I replied to appeased your personal curiosities about me.

Like any true jewel, I believe I'm multifaceted. Yes, this Pearl might be saying too much at times, but believe me when I say there's much more to me than meets the printed computer screen. I'm a composite of contradictions: I appear very conservative, yet some of my offbeat thinking makes me liberal; I am gentle and mild-mannered, yet can shrill with the best of them; I often appear bold and self-assured, yet I am the biggest wuss and scaredy-cat when it comes to many things; I am very creative in my thinking, yet sometimes lazy to put forth the effort to bring those thoughts to fruition.

I'd like to think that the value of this jewel appreciates over time, just as your appreciation of Pearlies of Wisdom does too. So here's to many more "revealing" sessions about me...

"My Zayde" by Moshe Yess


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As I stroll through blogland, peeking in the windows of your blogs, I notice that so many of you, especially at this time of year, or during the High Holidays, recall your grandparents with such a fondness, such a warmth of spirit.

Unfortunately, I only knew one grandparent, and he passed away soon after I turned four years old, so my memories of him are rather limited. But his gentle spirit, his smile and his goodness live on in my mother and all she represents.

For all of you who have been fortunate to know and have a Zayde, or a Zaydie, or a Gramps, or a Grandpa, or a Saba, or a Papa, or--as in my case--a Grospappi, this song with its beautiful and tear-jerking lyrics are for you.

My Zayde lived with us in my parents’ home,
He used to laugh, he put me on his knee.
And he spoke about his life in Poland,
He spoke, but with a bitter memory.

And he spoke about the soldiers who would beat him;
They laughed at him, they tore his long black coat.
And he spoke about a synagogue that they burned down one day,
And the crying that was heard beneath the smoke.

Chorus:
But Zayde made us laugh,
Zayde made us sing,
And Zayde made a kiddush Friday night;
And Zayde, oh, my Zayde,
How I love him so,
And Zayde used to teach me wrong from right.

His eyes lit up when he would teach me Torah,
He taught me every line so carefully.
He spoke about our slavery in Egypt,
And how G-d took us out to make us free.

But winter went by,
Summer came along,
I went to camp to run and play.
And when I got back home,
They said, “Zayde’s gone,”
And all his books were packed and stored away.

I don’t know how or why it came to be,
It happened slowly over so many years,
We just stopped being Jewish
like my Zayde was,
And no one cared enough to shed a tear.

Chorus

But many winters went by,
And many summers came along,
And now my children sit in front of me.
And who will be the Zayde of my children,
Who will be their Zayde, if not me?

Who will be the Zaydes of our children,
Who will be their Zaydes, if not we?

Monday, December 26, 2005

You Light Up My Life

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Okay, okay, so everyone's writing a post about Chanukah -- nu, why should I be different?

Growing up, I shared a simple Chanukah with my parents and brothers: the brachot and lighting of the candles, me, on the piano, accompanying my father while he led"Maoz Tsur"; eating some wonderful latkes which, although tasty, smelled up the house and whose fried smell lingered on our clothing; draidel playing with my brothers; eating chocolate coins; getting silver dollars as real Chanukah gelt. We were not big on gift-giving, instead getting what we needed -- pajamas, socks, etc. It was a simple, practical haimeshe kind of holiday...as it should be!

Of course, many years later, with family becoming extended and newer generations being born, there was more gift giving happening, but still the accent was on the gathering of family, the admiring the light of the candles and appreciating the fact that we were all together. (and yes, Pearl playing the piano for "Maoz Tsur" was still part of the picture!)

One year, my husband and I gave a wonderful Chanukah gift to our parents -- I wrote a poem that also served as a riddle of sorts. It introduced and announced my pregnancy with my oldest child.

About three years later, I stood in front of the Chanukah "licht" with child #2, then about 5 months old, and soon after wrote a poem about her, about whom she was named for, and about Chanukah in a town in Poland in 1942 compared to Chanukah 1997. (that poem, important to me, was published the next year)

A few Chanukahs have since passed. We are more than happy to still share the lighting of candles with our children and our parents; more than happy, we are thankful.

But personal family aside, the nicest Chanukah experience I ever had was in Far Rockaway, NY, about 10 years ago. My first cousin who has, bli ayin harah, ten children, had oil-filled chanukiahs for each of those ten children to light, as well as one for him and his wife. The room was illuminated with such a magnificent warm and all-embracing light; the reflection in the living room window was a sight to behold, and I went outside the house to stand on the sidewalk and take a photo of what was truly a picture window. It was really wonderful experience for me to see the light that was brought into that home over the Chanukah season.

I hope that each of you holds up a lit candle to light the chanukiah in your windows and may the light be cast right back and reflected on you and your families.

Happy Chanukah.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Merry Knishmas

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...Merry Knishmas to all...and to all a good night!


The Night Before Chanukah

'Twas the night before Chanukah, boichiks and maidels
Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels
The menorah was set by the chimney alight
In the kitchen, the Bubbie was hopping a bite
Salami, Pastrami, a glaisele tay
And zoyere pickles mit bagels-- Oy vay!
Gezint and geschmock the kinderlach felt

While dreaming of taiglach and Chanukah gelt
The alarm clock was sitting, a kloppin' and tickin'
And Bubbie was carving a shtickele chicken
A tummel arose, like the wildest k'duchas
Santa had fallen right on his tuchas!
I put on my slippers, ains, tzvay, drei

While Bubbie was eating herring on rye
I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gottkes
And Bubbie was just devouring the latkes
To the window I ran, and to my surprise
A little red yarmulka greeted my eyes.
When he got to the door and saw the menorah

"Yiddishe kinder," he cried, "Kenahorah!"
I thought I was in a Goyishe hoise!
As long as I'm here, I'll leave a few toys."
"Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish
Mit a gupel, a leffel, and a shtickele fish."
With smacks of delight he started his fressen

Chopped liver, knaidlach, and kreplach gegessen
Along with his meal he had a few schnapps
When it came to eating, this boy sure was tops
He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt
But they were so hot he yelled out "Gevalt!"
He loosened his hoysen and ran from the tish

"Your koshereh meals are simply delish!"
As he went through the door he said "See y'all later
I'll be back next Pesach in time for the seder!"
So, hutzmir and zeitzmir and "Bleibtz mir gezint"
He called out cheerily into the wind.
More rapid than eagles, his prancers they came

As he whistled and shouted and called them by name
"Come, Izzie, now Moishe, now Yossel and Sammy!
On Oyving, and Maxie, and Hymie and Manny!"
He gave a geshrai, as he drove out of sight"
A gut yontiff to all, and to all a good night!"

Friday, December 23, 2005

Acapulco Gold (A True Story)



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Back around 1988, I traveled to Acapulco with a girlfriend who was fluent in Spanish. While walking on the beach one day, we were approached by several people selling their wares -- arts and crafts, cigarettes, chewing gum. Anne and I quickly waved them off and continued along. I decided to let Anne deal with the next vendor and moved aside to gather some shells. When I looked back, she was still engrossed in conversation with the man. What was being said?

When he finally moved on and Anne joined me, I asked what the Mexican had been selling. I hadn't noticed him carrying any goods. She said that he had offered her jewelery -- gold. To put him off easily, she told the man that she could have gold anytime she wanted, that her father was in the business and could easily get it for her.

"Anne," I said. "Did he say gold jewelery?"

"He said gold -- Acapulco gold."

"Anne," I shrieked with laughter. "That doesn't mean gold gold. That means marijuana."

"Oh..." she said. "Everyone talks about Mexican silver, so I just assumed that Acapulco has a reputation for gold jewelery. That guy kept trying to convince me to buy from him so I let him believe my dad was a jeweler."

She and I continued to laugh as we realized what that "vendor" must have thought about her easy access to "gold."

Anne might have been speaking the same language that afternoon, but boy...was it a different dialect!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

I've Gotta Be Me...or Maybe Not

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I used to see entertainer Anthony Newley guest-starring on variety shows while I was growing up. Nine times out of ten, he'd end up singing, "I've Gotta Be Me."

Sure, it's great to be ourselves, but sometimes (and not just in blogland) we like to be someone else...or at least imagine ourselves to be someone else, doing something else.

So, why don't you try this at home:

If I wasn't _______________, I'd like to be ___________________.

You can apply it to looks, gender, personality, profession, interests...anything.

In my case, it might read something like this:

If I wasn't a copy editor, I'd like to be a TV talk show host. I love to do research, I love to learn what makes people tick, and at the same time learn new things, and once in a while, I love to have an audience! My speaking skills and my listening skills would definitely improve.

Okay, so which of you folks would like to be my first guest on the TorontoPearl Show? Actually, maybe I can get Oprah to open up the show with me, followed by David Letterman and Ellen DeGeneres as my first guests. Matisyahu could be the musical guest, and we'd be big on audience participation for some spots on the show. Like let an audience member sit in the big, comfy chair and interview me for a change of pace, or I'd interview audience members and give them a great gift certificate to a local eatery or entertainment venue. The show's format would probably be a melange gleaned from all talk shows that I've watched for the past four decades.

Okay, we've got the show, we've got the guests, we've got the audience. Now we just need a decent band-- hey, PsychoToddler, do you want a permanent music gig; we could also fly Treppenwitz in once in a while to play his trombone or whatever "t" instrument he plays with you on stage.

Oh ya, and I need a personal assistant -- any of you willing to work for minimum wage...um...in Canadian dollars? And I definitely need a logo for the show; branding is so important. Hey, Air Time, doing anything these days besides planning your aliya and designing games for bloggers? Get The TorontoPearl Show a logo and get it chikchak, as quick as can be!

So...methinks I'm set to be a TV talk show host. Oops, need one more thing: advertisers. But I've got the best idea -- all you bloggers could run commercials advertising your sites! What a genius I am!

Now, if I could only make fantasy become a reality...

Who Took the Fun Out of Funny?

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In my younger days, I used to go to a Toronto comedy club called Yuk Yuk's-- Jim Carrey and Howie Mandel are two main comedians who stepped off the stage at Yuk Yuk's and into the embrace of Hollywood.

Yes, I would go see "household" Canadian comics but I often had more pleasure going to the club on Amateur Night to watch folks stand on stage and try to get the laughs. My friends and I enjoyed sitting very close to the stage so that we could get picked on by the comic and then heckle back if necessary.

It couldn't have been easy for these guys and gals to stand onstage, trying out their best -- and worst -- lines out on an innocent group of folks. You could sit alongside the stage and watch the sweat trickle off their forehead, the flushed looks, the nervous hand gestures. Many times they looked forward to that blinking red light bulb built into the ceiling in a discreet fashion, signaling their 3-5 minute set was up.

But I loved to laugh and I always anticipated that one day I might have the guts and the glory to stand up on stage and try out my collected humor bits that I'd written over time in my journals. I knew it was more difficult than it looked; to be spontaneously funny in a small group is relatively easy. To be able to do that in front of a large group, or to have your comedy routines down pat ain't so easy.

I never did make it (yet!) to Amateur Night, but I see some of my writings, some of my conversations with people as the next best thing. You don't know me all that well, but I've got you in my sights and I'm gonna give you all the humor I've got stored up.

But I must ask: Is that red light bulb blinking for me? Is it time for me to get off the stage already? Why aren't you people laughing? If you are, I ... can't .... hear .... you!!! Am I bombing, or will I be called back for Amateur Night, perhaps for the final set -- the best spot -- of the night?

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Who're You Calling a Dog?!?


This is Tyson. Ahem...this WAS Tyson. He passed away on June 18, 2005, when I was in Los Angeles and my husband and children were out for the day. An interesting-looking fellow...ahem...an ugly-looking fellow, but a cutie and sweet and gentle dog nonetheless. Seemingly ugly, nonetheless Tyson managed to get himself a permant job as a pin-up model for a friend's dog-walking service--he may be gone in person...ahem.. in body, but his photo lives on -- on our friend's service van and Web site.

Anyhow, what drove me to write this doggie post today is because I love dogs--the wild and wooly creatures who love us in return for all the good we do for them...ahem...for all the doggie snacks we give them, for all the balls we throw to them, for all the baby talk we use on them. Every day, while driving to work, I pass this woman walking a poodle. It's nice for me to watch the passage of time, the seasonal changes, through this pet. Currently, the dog bounds through the snow while wearing boots and a warm doggie jacket.

Tyson, who was adopted almost three years ago, came with accoutrements, including a wooly jacket. But being the big boy he was, it was tough to do up the Velcro closings on his underbelly. Can you imagine trying to get boots on this beast? It's tough enough to get my kids to stomp the snow off their boots and remove them gently and remind them to hang up their winter coats. Try telling that to a dog, to a poodle: "Mitzi, honey, I know you're cold from our 10-minute walk, and yes, you just want to lie in front of the furnace grate, but could you please remove your boots for Mummy? It would be good of you, too, if you took off that jacket, and carried it over to hang over the railing leading to the basement.... Good doggie...an extra-special treat for you IF YOU DO THAT for Mummy."

I've gotta ask this: Where have all the German shepherds gone? When I was a child, a poodle or a German shepherd were the dogs of the day. These days, those nasty -- and now illegal -- pitbulls have taken their place in this world.

Like anything else in this world, I generally go for the tried and true, the common and conservative look. But my progressive side rears its ugly head every now and again, and I like things that are somewhat different. Like dogs.

Have you ever come face-to-face with a Puli, a Hungarian kind of sheep dog that resembles a Rastafarian's head of hair? Wild and wooly certainly applies to them. How the heck does an owner or a groomer brush through that fur. I, who as a kid had even crazier curls and frizzy hair than I do now, sat as my parent used "brush, comb, brush, comb...and Johnson & Johnson's No More Tangles" to get through my hair. Does a Puli owner do the same?

When I was in my ninth month of one of my pregnancies, I was coming out of a mall with my husband and there was a car parked in front by the door. The car's back-seat passenger was a white dog who was looking woefully (woof-fully?) out the window. I broke out into gales of laughter when I saw this animal; the screaming laughter just kept coming and I was afraid I'd go into early labor. This poor animal looked like a standard sized poodle whose groomer had taken "just a bit" too much off the forehead and nose of the dog. For years we kept talking about this, saying "Do you remember that dog we saw...?" Recently I decided that maybe it wasn't actually a poodle, so I googled something like "Dog resembling a sheep" and to my surprise that dog does have a name: Bedlington terrier.

And what about those little rat-resembling dogs that have wisps of hair here and there...in many ways like a comb-over on a man with thinning hair. I think they can't decide what kind of dogs they are but I'll tell you that they're called Chinese Cresteds.

In May 2004, I took my children and Tyson to Woofstock, a fair/festival catering to... you guessed it... dog owners and their pets. Booth wares ranged from gourmet dog food to doggie day care services to doggie fashions to photographers and painters that would capture your pet in picture. It was an eye-opening venue and both I and my children didn't know where to look first -- between the shrieks of fear from my children and their excitement to pet some of the passersby, it was a most entertaining and delightful couple of hours for us.

Tyson, being the dog breed he was, with the short legs and difficulty dealing with heat, was ready to sit out our stroll. So out came child #3 from the stroller, and I lugged Tyson into the stroller in his stead, gave him some doggie treat samples I'd scored and some water from our water bottles and let him sit regally there in that designer stroller wearing the new PINK bandanna that a booth vendor had given us. Tyson didn't have an identity crisis and had no qualms about wearing anything pink...to his merit.

It was fun to get the looks and the pointing and the smiles from people. But I thought, What's so different about pushing the dog in a stroller? They're selling dog and cat buggies that are cages or boxes on wheels. At least my pet is strolling in style!

At some point I passed a couple speaking Hebrew. The man turned to the woman and told her to look at the dog. Of course, Pearl being Pearl, I piped up and said in Hebrew: "Yeah, look at the dog in the stroller. He thinks he's a king!"

My husband talks about getting another dog perhaps, but not a large one as I think he would. He'd like some small frilly dog with lots of hair that would take lots of grooming. He thinks a dog like that is low-maintenance, unlike some big one that expends lots of energy and needs to be constantly walked and have lots of space to roam, etc. Okay, so maybe we'll get another dog. Maybe a dog that will need to use No More Tangles or even Dippety-Doo. Okay, maybe I'll give in to such a breed, but there will be no attitude allowed in my house. None of the: "I'm a lap dog, I need to be pampered, I need to sleep in your bed between you and hubby." There will be none of the "I can't eat from this bowl. It has some dried meat on the side. Ewwww." None of the "I feel faint. I can't walk anymore. Please pick me up and hold me." (oh, wait, Tyson did that, too, and he was definitely not a diva dog...but yes, he did have a pink bandana!)

I can't have a dog like that in the house 'cause...it might lead to some competition for me!

Well, I'm gonna take a BOW (-wow-wow) now and leave you with these brilliant doggie quotations:

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." --Andrew A. Rooney

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." --Ann Landers

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Philadelphia Freedom

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I received an e-mail today from a staff writer of a Philadelphia newspaper. She'd managed to come across my post from November that dealt very tongue-in-cheek with wanting there to be extended hours for stores and services, extended even meaning 'round-the-clock.

She'd read my piece, was writing something similar for the Philly paper, and wanted to interview me about my post, any comments it might've gotten, and she had some other questions for me as well. We decided on an e-mail interview.

She told me later in another e-mail, after I'd responded to her questions, that she managed to get some good quotes from my answers and that the article was scheduled to appear online in mid-January.

What can I say? I was pretty pleased as punch to have been contacted. As well, as I discussed it earlier with someone today, the Internet can be a tricky place. Yes, we have freedom to say what we want, but we have to be careful what we say 'cause it might just come back to bite you on the tushie!

Now I don't know anyone in Philly to whom I can point out the article in a few weeks when it appears, but some people in Philly will know me thereafter. They'll know my first name, my online name and the name of my blog. That's good enough for me; at least there's someone out there -- a stranger to me -- who thinks that something I've said is print-worthy, not just blog-worthy!

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Randi with an "i"



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I have become friends and acquaintances with several people over the past year as a result of my -- and their -- blogging. I have no qualms about going offline, writing to a blogger and telling them how much I enjoy their writing or a particular post. A door opens up right there and the welcome mat is often placed outside. In some cases, I do know the welcome mat isn't always there, but nonetheless I am part of the "let me speak or forever hold my peace" committee.

Randi with an "i" is one of those people with whom I've become friends over the past six months. We both attended the Ariel Avrech Memorial Lecture in Los Angeles this past June, but were never introduced. And by the time I realized that was the case, and I asked Robert Avrech if he'd introduce me to her, she was gone. So I took matters into my own hands upon my return to Toronto, and wrote to her...and we've been writing to one another ever since!

Randi did blog briefly last June, just so that she could acquire a name in order to comment elsewhere. But after reading blogs for so many months, she has decided she's wanted to get in on the fun. So, Randi, aka cruisin-mom, is cruising her way through blogland these days. Look out for a comment of hers on your blog, and check out her own blog. Her last entry on "holiday parties" is a funny one, and one that I'm sure many of us can relate to.

Do check out Randi's half-century's worth of accumulated wisdom; no doubt you'll find something even younger folks can relate to!